Things That Elude Me
I find myself hysterical at times when a normal person wouldn’t be. Things that should be simple I find impossible, daunting, stressful, and, when given a choice, try to avoid at all costs.
Parking Garage Machines – Those little slots into which we insert a ticket to escape the parking garage are the same things that I always manage to do incorrectly. I’m not sure how I am able to fail at this task so consistently, but I do. Today, for example, the bar was up – meaning I could drive though unchecked – but I still stopped, put the car in park, opened the door (because I was too far from the machine), dropped my phone, pen, and ear buds on the ground, had to get completely out to retrieve them, apologized to everyone behind me, realized the significance of the bar being up, felt like an idiot, got back in the car, and left. You know that person who has to press the call button on the machine to ask for help? That’s me. I’m not proud of it.
Toll Booths – I experience irrational fear at the thought of having to produce dollar bills or change at tollbooths. The worst are the unmanned catch-buckets (I don’t know the name of the urinal-shaped contraption) and the states that have different rates for each booth. A few months ago I was in the northeast and was told it would cost $35 to go across the bridge because I didn’t have a bridge pass. “There’s a bridge pass? Is that like a Troll?” The guy didn’t think I was funny, but I was so nervous I laughed for us both. I’ve thrown money at the catch-buckets hoping it was the right amount. I’ve dumped change all over the rental car searching for a quarter. I’ve handed over way too much money to the attendant, because I’m too flustered to figure out how much I have. I’ve cried. I’m not proud of it.
Buying my Husband a <Insert Holiday Here> Gift – I can’t do it. I’ve tried. I’m incapable. After nineteen years of marriage I now ask him, “What do you want? Send me the website. Oh, you got it yourself? Happy <Insert Holiday>!” I’m actually not good at gifts in general and am impressed with people who are. Almost as soon as I go onto a website or enter a store I start to second-guess my choices. There has to be a website strictly devoted to the shopping carts I’ve “filled” but never “checked out.” It’s like a sad, virtual wasteland of good intentions. I’m not proud of it.
I have a feeling that if I ever sat down with a therapist there would be plenty to talk about. Someone needs to invent an app which uses questions like “Do you become an infant at toll booths?” to slap you with a diagnosis and program for recovery. I’d buy that…or maybe I wouldn’t…