How To Ruin Comic Con (For Yourself and Others)

Hey, Wekksters. Kevin here, and this week is the grand daddy of all nerd-related conventions. It’s the “2015 Comic Con International” in San Diego, California, also known as “San Diego Comic Con 2015,” also known as “SDCC,” also known as “The Longest Convention Lines For People Who Want To Say They Breathed The Same Air As ‘Doctor Who’ Star, Peter Capaldi.”

We, at Wekk Podcast, are not going to this year’s con, (which is a tragedy that will be avenged one year,) but I thought that it’d be fun to mention a few tips to ensure that those of you who are attending this massive event, do it all wrong.

Yes. You read that right. There are far too many blogs that tell you how to make the most out of your SDCC experience. Why follow the herd? I’m here to tell you how NOT to attend Comic Con by encouraging a little reverse psychology, and by sharing some funny scenarios that dip into a bit of convention truths that we all know far too well.

Disclaimer: Let it be known that if you follow these dubious tips, you will make fewer friends, create horrible experiences for everyone, and you will leave an embarrassing impression on anyone you meet. However, if you want a positive convention experience, avoid these tips like the zombie-plague.

So, here we go. Bad advice in 3… 2… 1… LAUNCH!

1. Come Woefully Unprepared

Believe me, no one loves a convention-goer more than when he’s ill-prepared. The volunteer staff cannot wait to field the typical Comic Con questions, such as, “How do I get into Hall H without all the silly waiting?”, “Where can I get some baby powder? This homemade Voltron costume is chaffing in the wrong areas”, and “Do you know where my kid is? I left him right here two hours ago.”

2. Complain… A LOT

Be the life of your group and the envy of everyone around you by complaining to anyone within earshot about anything. Everyone loves a complainer, right? And at SDCC, most of your time will be spent waiting in lines, sitting on carpets or asphalt, so you have a captive audience for your grievances. Complain about the waiting, about the food prices, about the weather, about the crowds, about how much better the con was when comic books was the main focus, and about anything else that ticks you off. If people tell you to shut up, tell them they’re just too scared to admit that you’re right. And you are right. You’ll earn a lot of con-cred this way. Trust me. (wink)

3. Yell… A LOT

How else are you going to be heard over the cacophony of convention noises than to create your own, ear-splitting, goat sounds of your own? Those around you will appreciate that you are adding to the local atmosphere. And trust me. The looks on the faces of the people around you might seem like disgust to you, at first, but it’s actually admiration. Yes. Really. Learn how to tell the difference.

4. Run… A LOT

Don’t worry about knocking into people, toppling a well-planned display, or bowling over a bunch of cosplayers posing for a photo. Be like Barry “The Flash” Allen and run as fast as you can manage. It’s all part of the fun of gathering as many bruises as you can before the con is over. There’s a little known secret about SDCC, and that’s the prize for the most contusions at the end of the con. Rumor has it the winner gets some kind of massive insurance bill at the end. Gotta shoot for something, right?

5. Drink… A LOT

First off, if you aren’t vomiting on convention hall carpeting, you aren’t doing Comic Con right. Second, alcohol and cons go together like Jar Jar Binks and intergalactic self-respect. Start drinking early, finish drinking late, and be sure to cure that massive hangover the next morning with a large helping of overly-priced, sub-standard food at the exhibitor’s hall. That will get the pre-regurgitated, stomach convulsions kicking in mighty quick.

6. Ruin the Panels

Make loud and obnoxious noises, use your cellphone cameras in device-prohibited areas, and talk loudly while some celebrity is making a salient point about her character so no one around you can hear. Anything to get you known by the security in the halls is a plus. Also, wait in line at the Q&A microphone and ask embarrassing questions of the panelists, like “At what point did you realize you were making a serious career mistake making this horrible movie?”

7. Don’t Shower… EVER

This is the most important rule on this list. It’s why I feature it last. Nothing else says “party-time” better than a convention-goer with severe hygiene issues. There’s always one in every group, but you don’t want to be just any con-goer with a stink. Shoot for “legendary” status and elevate your stench by also wearing the same funk-ridden clothing every day. In fact, I suggest that you pre-saturate all your clothes the week before with tons of sweat-stains to have your clothes ready on Preview Night. As you walk around, you will want people to turn their heads and go, “Damn, man! What the hell is wrong with you?”

And that’s a wrap. I hope everyone has a safe and sane Comic Con, I hope the squees are genuine and plentiful, the fun is infectious, and the memories are good and long-lasting. Bye, for now.

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